011: GETTING OVER THE GUILT OF DIVORCE W/NANCY MUELLER

TODAY’S GUEST

1998 marked the year Nancy Mueller started her work, empowering women. Her business began when she started W.A.V.E. (Women Against Violent Encounters) teaching Self-Defense classes to women. As Nancy watched the women incorporate the empowerment aspect of each class into their lives, relationships and the workplace, her work organically transitioned to the coach, bestselling author and speaker she is today.

Aside from her private coaching practice, women’s organizations hire Nancy to speak to their groups and lead workshops to teach women the following message:

Our beliefs create our thoughts
Our thoughts create our emotions and feelings
Our emotions and feelings emit the energy with which we create our reality

Nancy believes that once a woman understands this process, she can apply this knowledge to let go of the negative mind chatter that can sabotage a women’s self-esteem, self-image, self-worth, self-confidence and self-love. When women are ready to let go of their negative mind chatter, Nancy works with them to show them how to remove fear-based beliefs so all their relationships can prosper.

Connect with Nancy at masteringyourbeliefs.com where you can find links to her YouTube channel, her Facebook group and to purchase her books.

TODAY’S EPISODE

In this episode, I talk with coach, bestselling author and speaker Nancy Mueller. I recently read Nancy’s book Divorce-Because Letting Go Does Not Mean Giving Up, and absolutely loved it, because even though I’ve been divorced for several years, I still sometimes wallow in guilt thinking I should have tried harder to make my marriages work.

Like Nancy, I’ve been married twice…the first time for nearly 20 years and then again for a short period of time a few years later. My first husband and I met when we were just 19 years old and pretty much grew up together, and so over the years he and I…primarily me…evolved into completely different people than we were when we met as teenagers, just out of high school. I realized as I got closer to my fourties that I needed to do something that I was passionate and brought me joy and made a difference in the world, and my husband absolutely could not understand why that was important to me or why I couldn’t just sit at a desk for the next 30 years digging through mounds of paper, which was the majority of what I did as a paralegal. He was completely unsupportive of my decision to go back to school to get my BA, and then eventually quit the law firm I had worked at for 20 years to teach adult school and volunteer as a hospice chaplain. So, as you can imagine, this created a HUGE amount of friction between us, which eventually became impossible to deal with, and resulted in us separating and eventually divorcing.

And then just a couple of years later, I married someone completely different than my first husband, but we soon realized we were just not at all compatible, especially since shortly after marrying we had a new baby thrown into the mix. And because I was the primary source of financial support in that second marriage and had a new baby to provide for, I eventually had no choice but to leave my 2 part time jobs teaching adult school and go back to the stability and benefits that came along with working full-time for attorneys, which is something I REALLY did not want to do, but had no choice doing since my family was dependent on my income and benefits.

So not only were my second husband and I not well suited for each other, I was under a huge amount of pressure with a new baby to take care of at 45 AND the added stress of being completely financially responsible for pretty much everything. And at the beginning of that marriage, before my son was even born, around the end of my pregnancy, my mom became very ill, so my brother and I were juggling driving back and forth from Central California to Yreka to oversee her care, which was completely overwhelming and exhausting, as anyone who’s ever been through caring for aging parents can totally relate to. When I look back at that time I’m not sure how I held it all together and so when my mom died a little more than a year later, the grief of losing her and the stress and disappointment of having to go back to working as a legal assistant was just too much and so all-consuming that I had no energy left for my marriage.

And even though I now realize I wasn’t well-suited for anyone at that point, because I just had too much work to do to find out who I was and what I really wanted in life, I still sometimes beat myself up for not being able to hold it all together and make that marriage work.

Going through numerous transitions and being pulled in so many different directions that you feel like you’re going to just break into pieces is something most women in mid-life can relate to in one way or another. And it’s no wonder that so many marriages fall apart at this time in our lives. Women in mid-life are changing and evolving and trying to find our bearings on a daily basis. So if you’re going through some kind of metamorphosis, growth spurt or transformation and are having trouble figuring out who you are right now, or what direction you’re going in, just know that you are not alone. That’s one of the reasons I started this podcast…as a way to reach women like me and to reassure them that they’re not alone and to normalize all of the crazy changes and transitions we go through during this season of our lives.

So if you can relate to what Nancy has to say about dealing with the guilt that so many of us feel after divorce and how fear-based beliefs can cause us to struggle with all of our relationships in life, I’d love to hear from you in the form of a comment, an e-mail or a rating and review if you’re listening on iTunes!

About the author, Karen

Karen Barrett is a life coach and the host of The New 30 Podcast, a weekly show for today's 50-something woman. She lives in Oregon and has 3 kids, ages 26, 19 and 8.

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